- a a r o n l j x -

Your Grace is enough
More than I need
At Your Word I will believe
I wait for You
Draw near again
Let Your Spirit make me new

I will fall at Your Feet
I will fall at Your Feet
And I will worship You here

Your Presence in me
Jesus light the way
By the power of Your Word
I am restored
I am redeemed
By Your Spirit I am free

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your Life upon that cross
Great is the love
Poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is our God

This is a beautiful song, full of meaning to me. It reminds me of my closeness with God in year 2008. It reminds me of God’s Faithfulness, His Mercy and Grace. Above all, the song reminds me of God’s Sovereignty over my life, His unfailing and everlasting love for me. God rules and reigns forevermore!

I need God more than ever before, more today than yesterday and more tomorrow than today. I am made by God, through God, and for God Alone. I need God more than ever before. I need Jesus Christ more than ever before. I need the Holy Spirit more than ever before. My holiness and my righteousness are like filthy rags before God. Whatever I have done up to so far, whatever I have achieved are nothing before God. They are like filthy rags before God.

If there is cry in my heart, and it has always been there and will continue be there until I see Jesus Christ. The cry is that I want God, I need God and I want to be broken for God forevermore so I can be fully His, fully belonging to God forevermore. If there is cry and that is I can be with Jesus Christ wherever He is forevermore. If there is a cry, I really want to be transformed to become more and more like Jesus Christ. If there is a cry, I really want to be God’s beloved child forevermore, Jesus’ best friend forevermore.

I need God. I need God. I need God. Enough said. I need God. May God be merciful, gracious and loving to me forever and ever more despite whatever that I am. May His Grace, Mercy and Unfailing Love reign forevermore in my life despite whatever circumstances and sins. His Love rescues and His Love saves. Sin is defeated at His Love. Life is restored in His Blood.

I have been feeling rather guilty for leaving my blog dead for ages. I find that all excuses are lame. Well I was indeed busy last semester but that actually does not justify why I can’t update my blog. I was simply lazy. I was lazy to connect those loose thoughts in my mind and write them out.

I have always been struggling with figuring out what I really want. I seriously don’t know what I want. Like my future career track. I am torn between two choices, Software Engineering or Computer Science. Of both which I also like. Software Engineering because I like the process of designing and creating something new, being innovative. Computer Science because I like the mathematics and computations involved in computing science like solving logical puzzles, figuring out the best way to do something, to compute something..

If I were to change to Software Engineering for my advance diploma, I would miss discrete mathematic structures which I am kind of looking forward to learn. I would also miss some other courses that I love to try out. However if I remain in Computer Science, I would miss out on learning more about software design and development. Can I have both in one programme so I don’t have to be hard-pressed between the both.

So back to my struggle.. It’s always been there. Even if I know what I want, I will not be convinced enough that that is what I wanted. So again I will be hard-pressed and depressed not knowing what I want. Holidays are ending soon and I am also going back to Kuala Lumpur soon. I am looking forward to going back KL but I also not so keen on going back. Again I am hard-pressed between the two.

What should I do? There was once, a wise man told me. When you are hard pressed between decisions, the best answer comes from within. Go into solitude and be totally transparent with yourself and you will know what you want. The wisest decision is when you can weight your motivations of your decision. That’s total wisdom. I think I’ll think about it for the coming semester. I have two months to think properly.

Meanwhile I would like to spend all my time with my family before going back to KL. I want to treasure every moment with them even though they are not perfect. Now I understand why it is said, our family is our greatest possession. I thank God for my parents. I really pray that I will learn and truly accept their weakness and love them as they are. They are God’s priceless gift for me. Thank Father God. Hallelujah.

The end of my dreams and visions have always been one thing and that is to be successful in life. However, what actually defines a successful life? I have been wondering, running from one corner to the other, trying to define what a successful life is. I always thought that being successful means I have to be rich, famous, influential, happy family, different etc. Basically it means to be like the people from the top 10 list in the Forbes magazine.

But one thing I have learned over all these years of reading the Bible and spending time with God is a successful life is not defined as how much we have, who we are and what we have done. The Bible basically sums it up in this, a successful person is one who knows God, who understands God and belongs to God. No matter how much we have garnered in this life, how great we are, the end of all is that this world will be destroyed one day. One may live a hundred years in this life enjoying the fruits of his labor but surely one day he is going to meet his Maker and live with Him for eternity. So always when we make decisions, we ought to consider the eternal consequences rather than the present one.

Jeremiah 9:23-24Jeremiah 9:23-24
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
23 Thus saith the LORD, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: ²⁴ But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the LORD which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the LORD.  

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(NKJV)
Thus says the LORD:
”Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom,
Let not the mighty man glory in his might,
Nor let the rich man glory in his riches;

But let him who glories glory in this,
That he understands and knows Me,
That I am the LORD, exercising loving-kindness,
judgment, and righteousness in the earth.
For in these I delight,” says the LORD.

I admit in my life, I have failed over and over again. I would not hesitate to admit that I am a sinner, worst of all if I can say. I really don’t want to delude myself thinking that my apparent righteousness is sufficient to make me godly. My righteousness are like filthy rags before my Holy God.. I really can’t do anything to make myself pure before Him because from the start I am a failure, nothing but a wicked sinner. I need the Grace of God more than ever, I need the Power of the Holy Spirit more than ever. I want to be changed and transformed from the inside out, from my heart not because I want to go Heaven but because my God is Holy and because I love my God more than anyone and anything else for I am made for HIM alone.

If I am able to do this, I guess I am already pretty successful in my life. But I ought to remember that I am unique in God. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God in HIS Image and I believe that I carry something from HIM. Thus I want to develop whatever talents and abilities that God has imputed in me so that I can thrive in wherever He wants me to be. So I would say successful life is also define by what I achieved in this life with what God has given to me. But this is not the core of a successful life. It is just part of it. It does not exactly define a successful life but I know a successful life will not lack in this area. By just stating this statement, I am also affirming that, a successful life would also be characterized by the fact that I am living in abundance and not lack.

Hence to sum it all up, I must reaffirm the truth and fact that a successful life is really all about God only, being HIS forever, knowing HIM intimately, being transformed to be like HIM, and having an intimate and eternal relationship with HIM. As a result, I am once again reminded to the core of my heart that I need HIM and it is really true that, blessed is he who trusts in the LORD, whose hope is the LORD.  For he shall be like a tree that is planted by the Waters whose roots go deep into the River.

GOD, I need You more than ever before. Father God, I don’t need anything else but only You Alone. Lord Jesus Christ please forgive me for all my sins, shortcomings, selfishness, rebellions and wickedness. Forgive me I pray. Lord renew me and change m and move in me like never before. Made known Your Mercy, Grace, Unfailing Love and Power in my life to others and myself forevermore and make me Yours, make me to be Your beloved child forevermore. Come in Your Mighty Power Holy Spirit and move mightily inside of me I pray. Thank You Almighty God, in Your Name Lord Jesus Christ I pray, amen.

Last but not least, I would add one more point, a successful life is also defined by whether I am able to always make my darling smile the widest she can and make her happy and feel loved always. Galilee Kuan, I love you <3 <3 <3 .. hehe..

I don’t want to waste this holiday so I am going to learn up Java as much as I could and other stuff, and also to redo my Java Assignment from scratch. But my main focus would be spending time with my parents because I know they are the greatest blessing God have ever blessed me with. I love you daddy and mummy <3 <3 <3 .. hehe..

Also, final note, I discover some really disturbing loopholes of TARC education system. They never focus on problem solving and thinking differently or rather creatively. By looking at their exams it is almost intuitively they are trying to produce robot students rather than a living student. Seriously the management should rethink of their approach and modify the way they conduct their teaching. The mathematic courses for example emphasize too much on just teaching what a xxx method is rather than using that method to solve a relevant problem. I hope they would make a change before I proceed to Advance Diploma..

I was tad disappointed because I thought it’s going to be a clear sky tonight but suddenly the heaven decided to rain. Where is the starry night I am longing for? The night where I can behold the beauty of the shimmering stars. It is awesome to behold them from my bed. It has been a while since I last saw them.. I remember I used to see them last semester after completing my case study every week.

I am really happy for what my team achieved in the Imagine Cup 2010 but my goal was something more than what we have now. The problem is we were too ambitious when we came up with the idea. It is quite not possible to implement at the moment because we are not technically feasible to implement it. What a waste. So see my team again in Imagine Cup 2011. This time we would be more prepared. Prepare ahead of time. But really, I still feel quite disappointed not able to make it.

Yesterday was the CF committee interview and each interviewee was bombarded with various kind of inducing questions. I spoke my heart out actually, it is not that I don’t want to be part of the committee but sometimes I feel that my calling is not in this area so I made it clear to them, if they will take me in then I’ll serve but if not I’ll still serve but on the lower levels, that is to carry out whatever they have planned in their meetings.

Oh, I am going for the SBS Prom night and I hope I won’t have an embarrassing night that day because I can’t dance and I am not very sociable when it comes to big event such as this. I remember last time during my Form 6 prom night, it wasn’t that good. The food sucks, the dance floor sucks, the performance sucks and nothing was pleasing to me except my friends who came with me. It was that bad, absolutely. But even with that bad experience, I haven’t developed any phobias for prom night so I would gladly attend the SBS prom night partly because she’s going too. I want to be her date^^ .. But I am really scared that I would embarrass myself on that day..

Most people think that I am nerd.. Am I really that nerdy? Nobody would believe what I have went through before just like 4 years ago. I couldn’t believe, just merely 4 years and I have changed so much. Probably this what they colloquially term as growing up. But I would say my change didn’t come by chance or because I am strong. My change came because of Jesus Christ. It was HIM that have really changed me. Would I say that my change has been completed and I don’t need to be transformed anymore? I would say no, my transformation was only a fraction of what God promised to do in me. There are plenty more transformations in the year ahead so that I can become more and more like Jesus Christ from the inside out. I must not give up, I must press on through all difficulties towards my upward call in Christ Jesus like the Apostle Paul.

I always pray that I can be like Apostle Paul, in my faith, my dedication, my devotion, my love, my sacrifice towards God. But one thing I don’t want to be like him and that is I don’t want to be a single like him until I die. I envision myself marrying my soul mate one day. So yeah everything is fine with me but the bottom line is I don’t want to die alone, having no family, having no wife. It sucks. But when I read Acts 20:19-24Acts 20:19-24
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
19 Serving the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears, and temptations, which befell me by the lying in wait of the Jews: ²⁰ And how I kept back nothing that was profitable unto you, but have shewed you, and have taught you publickly, and from house to house, ²¹ Testifying both to the Jews, and also to the Greeks, repentance toward God, and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ. ²² And now, behold, I go bound in the spirit unto Jerusalem, not knowing the things that shall befall me there: ²³ Save that the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city, saying that bonds and afflictions abide me. abide me: or, wait for me ²⁴ But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.  

, I am really touched beyond measure. I don’t know how to describe what I felt but it was totally awesome. It is totally awesome the way how Paul testified that he has given all that he has to Jesus Christ and regardless of all the sufferings he went through, he considered it all pure joy to suffer for God and the other day when I read the Bible, I read a scripture in Timothy that says every man who wants to live godly life in Jesus Christ would suffer persecution but the fruit of living a godly life is greater than all.

Some things are just too hard to describe using words but let me say this that is totally awesome to be with Jesus Christ forevermore, to seek after HIM above all else, to just love HIM and worship HIM forevermore is totally awesome. He is Above All always and forevermore. Lord Jesus Christ reign forevermore. He indeed reigns for all eternities. Amen.

God I want You and I need You more than ever before. I am so incapable, so inept of doing anything. Deep down within me I only know that I am wicked and selfish sinner. I only know how poor I am spiritually. How broken I am O God. Father God, that is why I need You more than ever before. You Alone are my Source and my Hope forevermore O God.. Only You can keep me by Your Grace and Mercy O God.. God I need You forevermore O God. I need You Father God. Lord Jesus Christ I need You O God, I really need You O God, come to my rescue forevermore O God and have mercy on me forevermore and be gracious to me forevermore O God. God above my imperfections, transform me, let Your Strength be made perfect in my weakness and let Your Grace that is always sufficient for me keep me safe in Your Security, Your Love, Your Salvation, Your Presence forevermore. God also continue to be the Lord in my relationship with her. You are the Lord of our relationship, the third party forevermore so that our relationship will be kept Holy for You and through our relationship, both of us can draw even closer to You than before and to know You and Experience You more than before. Let our relationship bring You praise and glory always and forevermore. Thank You Father God. Thank You Lord Jesus Christ. Thank You Holy Spirit. In Your Name O Lord Jesus Christ I pray, amen. Hallelujah! Praise You Almighty God! Amen. Hallelujah!

It’s the first week.. Yes the first week.. I was pretty eager for it initially but now after being introduced to the coming workload, I am not so eager anymore.. It’s not only from my studies alone, I have other workloads like serving in Christian Fellowship and my Church.. But hey I really want to change this mindset because I believe this not what the Bible teaches. The Bible taught me that, in all things, do your best unto Jesus Christ, giving praise and thanks to the Father through my Lord Jesus Christ. This was what the Bible really teaches. It ought not to be a burden for me, it should be something that I am enjoy doing.

But I know, there is a part in the Bible also teach that we won’t be enjoying all things, in those things we enjoy, praise God, in those things that we don’t enjoy, then it is our stewardship to do our best. So yeah, I am still learning, I fall and God will pick me up again. But each fall I guess, I shouldn’t guess but I pray that at every fall, I would grow stronger in my faith towards Jesus Christ and my relationship with God than ever before. This is my prayer unto the LORD my God, please hear and answer me always O God. In Jesus Christ’s Name, amen.

It really struck me yesterday when Daniel shared about the importance of the focus of Christian Fellowship to be on God.. When talked about the focus thingy, I began to think about my own life, what have my focus really been all this while? Looking back at the past, before I came to College, I said to myself that the reason why I am going to College is because of God, because of Jesus Christ therefore I want to obey HIM in all circumstances and do what HE wants me to do.. But somehow I lost my focus in the middle of the first semester and it went out even until today or perhaps God wasn’t really my focus from the start.. It was just my emotions. It’s hard to walk the talk..

This morning while doing my daily devotion, I read the Scripture on where David relented and didn’t kill Nabul and allowing God to do HIS work which is to take vengeance on behalf of David. It was awesome because I think it somehow to spoke to me.. Not that I have a vengeance on anyone but I have some issues lately that I really don’t know what should I do.. It’s not this nor that. It sucks. But reading that Scripture, it is like God is saying, “Hey boy, chill.. Do what you are supposed to do and I will take care of the rest. Just do the right thing and honor ME.” Please forgive me, in fear of God, I am no one to put it so blatantly that God spoke to me in such manner but roughly this is the thought I had when I meditated upon that scripture. So the bottom line is, just leave it to God to do HIS work on the issue, the rest just do what I am supposed to do and trust in HIM.

Recently I was going through this thought of mine.. Perhaps it’s like what I am experiencing. Have you ever experienced deep hunger pangs and if you continue to ignore those pangs, somehow or another you don’t feel hungry anymore and feel very bloated. Worst yet, you suddenly feel like throwing up instead of filling in.. This anecdote or rather parable can be applied to a lot of things and it is somehow a reflection of the issues I am going through and the issue is AB + BS + T.

Sometimes I really felt I am trying too hard, maybe it is time for relaxing? It’s like constipation, the harder you try pushing the shit, sometimes it just won’t come out and if it do, it will definitely hurt your ass. Just let the colon do its work, when it is time, even if you are constipating, it will come out.

New semester speaks of the beginning of a new challenge. After looking at just the first week schedule, I am so discouraged already. The first day itself we have classes from early morning till late evening. Each lectures are only one hour apart. I hate such a tight schedule neither do I like those where I have one lecture in the morning and free all the way until late evening where I would have one pathetic class and that’s the end of it. I pity those who commute daily from places like Petaling Jaya, Subang Jaya etc. when they have such classes.

What would be the challenges ahead? Serving in Christian Fellowship? Struggle with subjects like Statistics II and Algebra? Having Ms. Lalitha as my Java Programming lecturer? Whether is the new lecturer for my Calculus II competent in teaching? I head that he is a friend of the hamster lecturer I had for Statistic I back when I was in year one. So we know that birds of one kind flock with each other. So are hamsters. So is Mr. Chong another hamster like his good friend? I would suggest that I should keep my fifth semester in prayer, that God would lead me in HIS Ways, to do what HE wants me to do, to glorify HIM, to get to know Jesus Christ better and to be closer to HIM than ever before, so that my life can truly be a living sacrifice unto HIM forevermore.

So today it is already Wednesday and two more days to go and I’ll be back to Kuala Lumpur. So far throughout the holiday, I would say this time, compared to all the previous breaks, I would thank God for supplying me with HIS Grace that I was able to dedicate most of my time to spend with my parents, to honor them and to appreciate them. I am glad that I gave them most of my time though at times I would still do some other selfish stuff. The bottom-line is I made it through and I must thank God for this because I know it was HIS doing that I could do it.

Besides that, before the semester break started, I actually went to the library and borrowed a book on C# Programming. I did study C# but it wasn’t as productive as I have expected. Somehow the passion wouldn’t come. I need the spirit and passion to press on and experience a breakthrough. Honestly I am quite eager to go back College and face this new challenge. It’s like life doesn’t have to be so slow like during semester break. New challenges means new opportunities, opportunities to improve myself and to know God more and to experience HIM more than ever.

I want to do something great with this new semester Programming Subject. I want a breakthrough, not only in Java but further more to C# and C++. I want to go beyond what they think it is enough. I want to expand my programming capacity. I want to incorporate Software Engineering Principles into my programming practices to therefore produce quality software. Also there will be the Imagine Cup 2010 which I am looking forward to join. I will do my best to achieve something in this competition although I do not have the confidence..

One thing, one person in the Christian Circle that has inspired me the most would be Rev. Kong Hee, the Senior Pastor and Founder of City Harvest Church. Although I do not agree with some of his teachings, he has been a good role model to model after in terms of his faith, passion and devotion towards God. I am moved mostly by how he started from such a small church that grew to the mega-church he has today. It was truly by one part the Grace of God, but besides that it must be something in him that enabled him to plow through those rough roads and arrived at where he is at today. A few of his teachings like the Praising God Sacrificially, the Sermon on the Mount etc. has kind of helped me through the early days of me being a Christian. I used to listen to his sermons back them because it was really a great impartation that helped me grew a lot. But there are some things that I do not agree with him. Like what Ps. William Vun taught, when you eat a fish, you consume only the meat, the bones you spit it out. In the same manner, good part of his faith I’ll follow while the rather grey areas, I would not consider.

My life is in God’s Hands. I want to really believe and trust in HIM for the best of my life.

Psalm 37:23-25Psalm 37:23-25
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. ordered: or, established ²⁴ Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand. ²⁵ I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.  

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(NKJV)
The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD,
And He delights in his way.
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
For the LORD upholds him with His hand.
I have been young, and now am old;
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken,
Nor his descendants begging bread.

My steps are order by the LORD and according to HIS Word in Jeremiah 29:11Jeremiah 29:11
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. expected...: Heb. end and expectation  

, His Plans and Thoughts for me are to prosper me, to give me peace and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Prospering me is not necessarily dictating that I’ll be the next Warren Buffet but it simply means one thing, that is I’ll be rich in God and that is all matters. The treasures that are stored in heaven neither rot nor rust and thieves do not come in and steal. It is secured in God’s Hands forevermore. That is all that matters. God will feed me for HE is my Provider. He will be my God forevermore. Amen.

Relationship is not just about the feelings, it’s really about the 4 C’s:

1. Christ Jesus
2. Commitment
3. Communication
4. Companionship

This was taught by my Pastor in one of the Sundays and I kind of modify it with the Christ part. I really want to build my relationship with her on Jesus Christ which is the Solid Rock of my life, my everything, therefore, my relationship with my girl should be built on HIM too. Because I know when I honor God, HE will not shortchange me. A relationship that is built on a Solid Rock is always right. Commitment makes relationship works. Commitment besides Christ is what keeps the relationship going even though when the feelings are gone. Communication and companionship are important to keep the relationship alive. The guy and girl ought to be able to communicate with each other well in order for the relationship to be strong. It doesn’t matter if one is from Mars and the other Venus. With Christ and Commitment, channel can be switched to please each other. Finally companionship is the result of commitment and communication. We ought to be there for each other regardless of time and circumstances.

After going through the winning teams’ work I felt so small and inferior. How am I suppose to produce a work that is even 30% close to theirs? Almost seems impossible. That is totally crazy.. I feel so inferior now.. I feel like pulling back and not going to join the competition. But this is my real chance of applying what I have learned so far into real practice. So should I still join? I don’t know.

I guess for the rest of my semester break, I am going to give my time sacrificially to both my parents regardless of how tough it is going to be. Honor God and obey Him. I had a dream two days ago, it wasn’t a good one and after that dream, I am determined to obey God and live in His ways. I am not trying to put up a kind of work-relationship with God but I know that at this point of time in my life, I need to do all these because sacrifice that is purposeful is worthy.

Honestly I do not want to be a taker but rather I want to be a giver because Lord Jesus Christ is a giver. It is better to give than to receive, the words of Jesus Himself. But sometimes I really get tired of giving. I am seriously sometimes tired of giving. But the Word of God says do not grow weary while doing good for in due season you shall reap a bountiful harvest. It doesn’t matter, the greatest outcome is not that I get what I deserved in return but in the end, the greatest outcome would be that my heart is changed for God.

Really all of us are just sinners and we try so hard to be good and without doubts we failed doing so. It doesn’t matter who good we are, if we do not have Jesus Christ in us, in the end all our goodness are in vain and we’re still a sinner after all. The fact that we can be good is because of God’s Grace in our lives. It was His Grace that enabled us to do good. But today here I am only want to live fully dependent and reliant on God’s Grace, on Jesus Christ Alone. That’s all. It is through His Grace that I’ll become more and more like Him and it is seriously not easy.

I know in just the past few weeks, I have been making a lot of wrong decisions. This morning while reading the Bible, I read the Scripture, sow in the Spirit and by the Spirit you will reap everlasting life, sow in the flesh and you will reap corruption. I felt so guilty when I read that Word because I know how much I have fallen and how selfish I am. I have long way more to go and there are great things ahead of me. I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish.

I have great plans for my career. I want to make it best out of my life. I want to make it big for my career. I want to do something that no one at least among my peers does it before. I want to be someone, extraordinary and unique, someone that is great and history maker. I want to turn things around, things that people say are dead and I want to turn it around to make it alive. I want to live a life where giving is my top priority. I don’t care how much I might earn, what most important is I want to live the principle of “godliness with contentment is great gain” in my life. As long as I can give to missionaries fund then it would be good.

But as I plan for my future and how great I want to be, I am very afraid that behind all these great plans, the greatest motivation is the big I and not the big C, Christ. It makes my legs tremble each time when I read the Bible, how fearful is it to fall into the hands of the Living God. I don’t want to be heading in the wrong direction, pursuing after the wrong dreams. I only want to pursue the dream of God, dream given by Him.

So for now, my focus is to build my future if this is where God wants me to go. Each time I read the Scripture in Genesis when Jacob met God at Bethel, it gave me great encouragement. God told Jacob not to fear because He is with him wherever he goes and God will keep him until He has done what He wants to do in Jacob’s life. What then is my future, in the hands of the Living God?

Oh, I am starting to fall in love with Java.. C# is not that fun after all.

Finally, the semester break has come but I am not really excited about it.. I don’t exactly know why but one thing I know is I hate the feeling of having nothing to do, like no aim although I love the rest that I get from a semester break.

On the lighter note, I have come up with the things that I really want to accomplish this time round:

1. Spend more time with God.
2. Spend more time with my parents.
3. Study C# and C++ for the coming Imagine Cup 2010.

So far I didn’t really accomplish much. I am praying that I will accomplish more for the 3rd item as I really want to take part in the competition and at least achieve something. But the thing is, I only learned C and Java so far and I am still kind of short of one team member although 3 will suffice. It won’t hurt to have one more brain to think of ideas and solutions. So, who want to join me?

I really don’t want to waste my life away indulging in pleasure.. I have done that before last time and though it feels great at first, the consequences are devastating and I think in the Bible, somewhere in Proverbs, it is said that poverty comes to those who love pleasure. I really hate to indulge myself so much! I will become so unproductive and waste my life away. So this time round, I promise myself and God that I will not watch any drama series and I will sacrificially spend time with my parents. I don’t care but spending time with my parents is the top priority (of course God has bigger priority).

Besides all those, this semester break is also my time for resting. I really want to thank God for His Grace and Strength that sustained me throughout the whole semester because if asked, what is the best word to describe semester 4, HECTIC! It was totally crazy! I couldn’t believe it.. I single-handedly completed all the assignments for every single subject! Yes, it was a one man show thingy. Actually to be honest, I would rephrase it, it was all God’s Grace show. Because I know by my own strength I couldn’t accomplish such a feat. It was truly God’s glory. So Thank God for it and Praise You Almighty God! Hallelujah!

Oh, today I went sight seeing and it is the first time in my life to go up so high from land. I guess I am easily at least 2000+ meters above sea level. The wind was so strong and cooling.. My long messy hair became even more messy. But the view of the mountains were one word, spectacular! What a Magnificent God who created all these.. I like how the clouds encircled the mountain. Makes me feel like the peak of the mountain is some sort of bridge that connects to Heaven. Oh, it reminds me of those Chinese mythical dramas.

As you know the time isn’t right yet and I really want to honor God so I hope you would really wait for me because I only want to be your first and only darling, never ever your first-ex, so please do wait for me ya. Hehe.

^_^

I realized something lately, my blog posts have been like the sea waves. There are times they are extremely emotional (those locked post), there are times when they are rather emotional and I think they is at least once the post is not emotional but spiritual (hallelujah!). I have been struggling lately with this and I am still struggling with it.

I am really scared about it. I’m officially on holiday already since yesterday was my last paper but I wished that semester break would never start although that is what I really longed for all this while.. There is a reason behind it and I wouldn’t disclose it in such a public place like this. Heh.

I don’t know whether it’s a self-esteem issue or past guilt, I need to face up with my fears and problems. I can’t let all these go on and plagued the rest of my life. I need to overcome just as Jesus Christ, my Lord and my God is an overcomer and He has indeed overcame the world. But honestly I hate love matters. I hate it when I am plagued with it. I hate it when my life is affected by it. I hate it when I can’t live with peace. I hate it when I am infatuated over someone but I love it too at the same time.

There’s this girl that I have been infatuated with for quite some time. Sometimes the excuse given is that I am afraid to approach her but what really is the underlying reason that is like making me hanging in the air? Why can’t I make it straight with her? Tell her straight? Yes or no? Because I know I am not ready to take it yet. Perhaps it could be said that I am scared of being rejected. But there are even more issues than that, that are restraining me. I am basically constrained!

I really wish that I could tell her straight since it would at least I think make my life less emo but I can’t gather enough courage to do so. Some of the stuff I said all these while are effectively just a cameo. They are figurative and there is a subtle meaning behind all those cameo. But will she get it? I am too scared that when she gets it and suddenly she vanishes from my life. Then I can go on and sing some emo songs, put mascara on my eyes, grow my hair even longer, wear all black and act like a super depressed and deprived kid.

If she ever read my blog, will she get it that all this while it was she that I am talking about although the cameo makes it look as if I am not. Will she? It’s either this or that, accepted or rejected. But as for the former one, it is just way too fast and besides I am not ready for a relationship and it is pretty obvious from the start that God had kind of made it clear to me that I should not get into any relationship with a girl right now unless otherwise a new conviction comes. I don’t dare to say I am wrong because I really felt so when God spoke to me concerning my love life.

It might make me look stupid but really I don’t want to be hurt neither do I want to break another girl’s heart like what I did in the past. I was totally immature and cruel I would say. That is why from now on I try my best to protect every female friends I have.. Hehe.

So really in the end I think it’s all in God’s Hands. I want to commit it into HIS Hands. Because if it is the right time, things would fall into place. That’s all for now. This semester break, I want to prepare for the TARC Imagine Cup 2010!