- a a r o n l j x -

My blog is no longer hidden from the public. Somebody read my blog and now I feel so exposed. Shit. Anyway who cares, it’s my blog. Just now while looking through my MSN contacts, I came across a guy’s contact and saw his personal message which countdowns to the event Passion and Fire. Well to be frank, I’m totally not excited about it. Seriously. Youth events in my church are like whatever. No church bashing.

I’m so tempted to just flare it all out man but this is not right, my church is not against God so they don’t deserve any bashing. Lately I have been contemplating, whether should I attend the Passion and Fire. I don’t feel like going, it sounds so boring and dull. I have already pulled out all my roles in that event. But I think this is not right, using STPM as an excuse is totally lame and pathetic. I guess I have sinned again. Well I’m just a human just like everyone else. This is lame and pathetic.

Well, I need to do something about it; I can’t just leave it like that. The best way I think is to surrender it to God and I’m going to do it. This would be my prayer for the week.

God, I surrender my problems to You, come and guide me. I need Your help desperately. I’m lost without You, so come and help me, not that I want to be a robot, but teach and instruct me to do the right thing, and I definitely need You, without You I can do nothing, so Lord help me to accomplish the things that You have given me to do and help me to successfully change myself to be more like You, to conform to Your Image of Christ. Holy Spirit, empower me and fill me with Your power and overflowing Love of God. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Sometimes I hate myself. I don’t know why am I so carnal, just last Friday I went up to Genting with my friends to chill out with booze. I drank till I was quite tipsy I guess. I don’t know. I wasn’t that drunk actually. I was still quite sober except that I felt a little dizzy but my coordination was still perfect. Since that day, I have not been studying at all. Not even a line. My books were left in the shelf collecting dust.

I feel very guilty when such thing happens. First, I guess I’m going to disappoint my parents very soon, secondly it shows that I’m not a good Christian after all. I felt like I’m one of the worst hypocrites in my church. Atleast they don’t live such lifestyle like mine, so full of sins and wickedness.

Besides that, I hate this. What good is it that I speak about Jesus everyday but fail my studies. I felt so ugly. It’s like I’m discriminating Almighty God’s good name, Jesus Christ. It’s not that I can’t study or I’m stupid. I believe God has placed in me sufficient intelligence and wisdom for me to be someone who is good in studies. The only thing I need is a good set of attitudes. Diligence, perseverance, faith, courage and strong will. I lack of all these. No wonder  I can’t sit down and study.

Something has to be done. God help me. Thank You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

This year CF Rally was more awesome than last year’s except for maybe the conduct of service. Last year they had a good altar call for the concert session. It is always cool to just lay flat in God’s presence. Well His presence is everywhere but it is different when the environment sets you into a mood of total focus on God and that is when His Holy Presence will come upon you and touch your heart.

I’m feeling emotional today. Basically I think it is because I failed my fasting plan for today and I didn’t get to talk to her. Actually I have a chance to talk to her but I missed it again. I was at the library and she came in suddenly; I should have shouted her name when she came in. Atleast that would have open up an opportunity for me to talk to her. Now I’m regretting it, I missed a great chance to talk to her.

I miss ‘it’s she’ I miss you.

I still need revelation for this scripture, John 15:5John 15:5
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. without me: or, severed from me  

I should be studying right now; STPM is just 4 months away and here I am still relaxing and taking my own sweet time to study. Actually I can do it but I’m just too lazy. Not that I can’t concentrate, well in fact I can and I have done it a few times before, the problem with me is my attitude. I don’t have the right attitude and most importantly, I need self-control/self-discipline. I’m lacking of all these and it is really a dilemma for me to study; To sit down quietly for an hour to study seems like the greatest achievement I would ever achieve.

Now this is real, every night before I sleep, I’m really motivated to study but when I wake up the next morning, everything is gone; I’ll be sluggish and bitter in heart again. When it happens, I really can’t study, I just don’t feel like to. It’s like my heart is very heavy and I don’t feel like doing anything; I just want to sleep and enjoy. Even to seek God is hard, what more to study. This has been a routine of my life. Every morning I’ll experience the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I just don’t want to wake up, really. I hate the bitter feeling in my heart and the sluggishness in me. Now I suppose if I seek God, He would definitely deliver me from this problem but I feel so heavy to seek God too. To be honest, I’m not really a man of faith, I don’t know why. Probably I am still living in a past wound or something.

Again I really need God because He is my everything, yes I reiterate, He is my everything, Jesus is my everything and I want to live my life for Him. It’s not easy, first of all I have little faith and secondly I’m struggling badly with my flesh. It’s like my flesh has total control over my life and sometimes I really feel like I’m the worst sinner every lived. My heart is so wicked, filled with sins and filthiness. God wash me clean with the Blood of Christ, once again God I need You, You are my everything, Jesus come into my life, help me to remain in You always, living in union with You. Amen.

It’s she. She again. I need to talk to her as soon as possible. Apparently I think she knows that I like her. I need to do something about it, tomorrow, I guess I’ll talk to her but, no I must have faith and believe in myself, I can do it, no I can’t do it by myself, but with God, everything is possible. So I must have faith in God and believe in Him then I can have faith in myself that I can do it. So God, be with me tomorrow. I really want to befriend her. I know my limits but I might go over the boundaries so God please intervene. Please be in control and sovereign in whatever I do, You are not only my Savior and Almighty God, You are my Lord too, so exercise Your authority over my life as my Lord and Heavenly Father. Amen.

John 15:5John 15:5
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. without me: or, severed from me  

WP-Bible plugin

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.

I miss you.