- a a r o n l j x -

After all this mental torment, I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder. A kind of disorder where one get obsessed thinking over something, it could be an imaginary tragedy and it made you think as though that tragedy is going to happen soon on you. So somehow whenever I get this attack I’ll actually freak out although I know in mind that these things are not realistic and will not happen because for one thing, Jesus is with me, He wouldn’t give me a life full of shit, a life full of suffering maybe but that’s for His glory, well in that suffering I’ll find joy, peace and hope in Him.

Anyway back to my disorder, what I’ve been experiencing is actually imaginary images of tragedies happening to me, like the normal ones that a kid would thought of, father die or mother die due to some fatal sickness or accident. Man, this is really scary to me, serious. Sometimes I doubt my salvation and at times I doubt that whether I’m praying to the real Father God, I thought that I was praying to some other pagan gods. But I know in all of these, God is still with me, for this I’m assured. In the nick of time, God will save me.

Good things about this disorder? Haha. The cool thing is, according to some professors, this disorder can only happen to people with IQ that’s above average, because for this disorder, one must be able to think a lot, really a lot. So for now, I kind of like got partially healed from it already, one of the deliverance is that I realize that the mind that’s in me is not really me, well I don’t know how to explain these but I’ll get into detail when I post an article about body, soul and spirit. So now that I know all these false thoughts are not real it’s easier to handle but then sometimes I still get freaked out so at this point, I still need God and I always do need Him. Who am I without Him?

All in all, I will still push on and not give up because God has not given up on me yet and He never will give up on me. So I should not give up on Him and myself, let’s believe in God’s saving right hand and marvelous healing powers that will bestow upon me. I need to learn to control my mind and put him subjected under my control; not him controlling me, I’ll control my own thoughts, thoughts that will glorify God. Let’s get back into business, tonight I’ll be really spending time with God in prayers and meditation. But then again, I hate to come to this thought, how can I spend time with God when my friend’s father is around to always disturb?