- a a r o n l j x -

It’s the first week.. Yes the first week.. I was pretty eager for it initially but now after being introduced to the coming workload, I am not so eager anymore.. It’s not only from my studies alone, I have other workloads like serving in Christian Fellowship and my Church.. But hey I really want to change this mindset because I believe this not what the Bible teaches. The Bible taught me that, in all things, do your best unto Jesus Christ, giving praise and thanks to the Father through my Lord Jesus Christ. This was what the Bible really teaches. It ought not to be a burden for me, it should be something that I am enjoy doing.

But I know, there is a part in the Bible also teach that we won’t be enjoying all things, in those things we enjoy, praise God, in those things that we don’t enjoy, then it is our stewardship to do our best. So yeah, I am still learning, I fall and God will pick me up again. But each fall I guess, I shouldn’t guess but I pray that at every fall, I would grow stronger in my faith towards Jesus Christ and my relationship with God than ever before. This is my prayer unto the LORD my God, please hear and answer me always O God. In Jesus Christ’s Name, amen.

It really struck me yesterday when Daniel shared about the importance of the focus of Christian Fellowship to be on God.. When talked about the focus thingy, I began to think about my own life, what have my focus really been all this while? Looking back at the past, before I came to College, I said to myself that the reason why I am going to College is because of God, because of Jesus Christ therefore I want to obey HIM in all circumstances and do what HE wants me to do.. But somehow I lost my focus in the middle of the first semester and it went out even until today or perhaps God wasn’t really my focus from the start.. It was just my emotions. It’s hard to walk the talk..

This morning while doing my daily devotion, I read the Scripture on where David relented and didn’t kill Nabul and allowing God to do HIS work which is to take vengeance on behalf of David. It was awesome because I think it somehow to spoke to me.. Not that I have a vengeance on anyone but I have some issues lately that I really don’t know what should I do.. It’s not this nor that. It sucks. But reading that Scripture, it is like God is saying, “Hey boy, chill.. Do what you are supposed to do and I will take care of the rest. Just do the right thing and honor ME.” Please forgive me, in fear of God, I am no one to put it so blatantly that God spoke to me in such manner but roughly this is the thought I had when I meditated upon that scripture. So the bottom line is, just leave it to God to do HIS work on the issue, the rest just do what I am supposed to do and trust in HIM.

Recently I was going through this thought of mine.. Perhaps it’s like what I am experiencing. Have you ever experienced deep hunger pangs and if you continue to ignore those pangs, somehow or another you don’t feel hungry anymore and feel very bloated. Worst yet, you suddenly feel like throwing up instead of filling in.. This anecdote or rather parable can be applied to a lot of things and it is somehow a reflection of the issues I am going through and the issue is AB + BS + T.

Sometimes I really felt I am trying too hard, maybe it is time for relaxing? It’s like constipation, the harder you try pushing the shit, sometimes it just won’t come out and if it do, it will definitely hurt your ass. Just let the colon do its work, when it is time, even if you are constipating, it will come out.

One thing that I discovered during this semester was that when you are all busy with something, time flies even faster. I couldn’t believe it, what looks like a century have pass me by so fast. The semester is already coming to an end and when a semester is ending, it also means that finals are lurking around the corner, waiting to devour you alive.

This semester I have been really busy. I have never been so busy in my life ever. This is probably because in the past I couldn’t be bothered about homework and assignments given to me. But because I have grown up and the LORD has changed me or rather is still changing me, I experience (not felt) the burden to accomplish what I am given to do. It’s more of a commitment than responsibility.

I have been thinking lately, reconsidering over and over again. The boundaries are set for a reason and the reason is to protect an individual. So I am not going to disobey God and breach the boundary. It is a foolish act though initially I might feel good doing so and thinking it is right. Certain things are just hard for me to overcome. I need more Grace and Strength from God.

Time to time, I still miss my old room at block C.  I still prefer the environment there although my new place here is much colder and have a faster internet connection. Back then when I was still staying in Block C, the line there was actually a 4mbps connection but the speed really crawls and here we are using 1mbps connection but it can top up to the speed of a 4mbps bandwidth line.  Ironic isn’t it. I still love my old memorable room at block C. It’s awesome! A place of memories. A place of altars to the LORD. This basically proves one point about me, I am indeed sentimental. So I guess in the future I’ll be the guy who likes classical songs. I think by then what is classical song is really perhaps Blink 182 – All the small things? Secondhand Serenade – Fall for you?

For now, the song Blink 182 – I miss you, plays over and over again in my mind.. The lyrics that go, I miss you, miss you, miss you.. somehow explains a little of me now.. But I am reminded, yes, I am reminded. Put these aside. I am not prepared for it. I am simply not ready. The time is not ripe yet. Focus on my studies and serving God in all areas of my life.

So, this is the hotshot, my last paper would be on the 16th of September 2009, it would be cool if my friends can make it that we would go up to Genting Highlands, rent a whole apartment for ourselves and partayyy! The good thing is most of my friends don’t drink and smoke so it will be a clean party. We are only food addicts so it means the whole apartment would be filled with food and food and food. Hopefully things would turn out right.

I don’t want to live in a shared room. I want to live by myself, alone in my own room with my very own personal space. I just don’t like to share with other people. It is just me. If only I have a bigger budget then I don’t have to share my room with others.

It has been a while since the last time I seriously updated this blog. Why am I missing for so long? The answer is very obvious actually.. I have been really really busy with studies, and a whole lot of more other stuff. Seriously where can I get rest? I need rest. I am tired. Tired and burdened.

Honestly, it is time for some personal evaluation and I really have to be frank to myself. For all this while, what am I really seeking after? Am I really studying or I am starting to worship pride? The bible says that the Pride of Life, God hates. Indeed that the proud man is an abomination to the LORD. I seriously need to rethink my life, what I have been really after. I need to be honest to myself.

There is something that I really don’t understand. It’s not that I neglected my assignments or what but I can never complete an assignment that is not last minute. Every single assignment that I have done so far are all done last minute. Seriously, since year 1 until now, every single assignments are done last minute. Amazing isn’t it? I don’t mind last minute as long as the quality of the assignment is good and it doesn’t affect my sleeping time.

I get really moody and infuriated when I don’t have enough sleep and for the whole semester I can say that I didn’t really sleep much. I stay up late almost every single night and early next morning I am up. As a result of the continuing sleepless nights, I am kind of experience brain slowdown already. I find that my information processing speed is somewhat slower than what it used to be. Especially for solving equations, I used to be able to see an equation from all sides but now I am like so limited to one sided view only.

I hate it when I feel so sluggish and slow within me. I feel like my brain is running at its 10% power only. I need my brain to speed step up. I don’t want to be stuck in a series of lagness. God help me please.

I have made it. For the whole month of May 2009, I didn’t post anything at all.. Actually I have written many posts to post but I left them as drafts because I am too lazy to complete them. Perhaps tomorrow I will complete them and post them as May posts. So well some updates, I moved to my new place last week. Honestly I am quite a sentimental guy so it’s quite hard for me to adapt to the new environment.. I miss my old shabby room. This new room that I am staying is like an oven in the morning. The sun ray shines directly into my room burning my ass while I am still well asleep. I guess this is the best natural alarm.

Well seriously year two is pretty tough. I am struggling with ADIS, Database and Network Fundamentals. Not that I am mean but really, the Network Fundamentals lecturer sucks. She’s not charismatic enough. She needs more practice. When she lectures, she doesn’t interact with the crowd, that is as though she’s speaking to herself. The worst part is the lecture hall that we’re using for this course is super hot because of the broken down air-cond since eons of semesters ago. Why can’t they just get the air-cond done?? It won’t cost much. End of ranting.

Time really flies! I can’t believe that I am already in year two. Things went so fast for me that suddenly I felt year one has just evaporated away. This really proves that I am a sentimental guy. It’s not that I am living in the past but heck so many things happened in year 1 that shaped my life. I couldn’t believe I changed so much over the one year and I did many things too. But there is still one thing that really bothers me and that is I can’t really relate well to my friends and coursemates. I don’t know why but maybe it’s because of language problem. I don’t know. I just can’t really talk to them. I felt as though we are from different worlds. Sometimes I am really envious of some people who really made good peers during their college years but it is not so for me. Oh well.

Oh yeah I survived the second CPR but really it was really a nightmare to be stuck in meetings for so many hours. I absolutely hate it. Somehow I feel that God is using this CF to shape and mould me for something. Each time when I feel like giving up, I really have to re-think, if I can’t even serve in CF, don’t expect myself to serve in the ministry in the near future. I know myself too well that most of the time when I look at the mirror, I see an ass. I can be really so mean and selfish most of the time. I really feel that God is enlarging my capacity and really breaking my hardened heart but I really don’t know how to make my heart willing before God.. I always resisted with full force making me so cold and hardening my heart.

God I need You and Your Grace and Your Strength like never before O God. God I am stuck and I am lost. God I don’t know what I should do and I really need Your guidance and help. Thank You Lord. In Jesus Christ’s Name I pray, Amen.

On the lighter note, Java is much more easier than C++ but at times the syntax could be troublesome. While it is fun to code with Java, I still like C++ more than any other languages because of it’s power and speed. Since I can code with C++, I am thinking of porting my Java practicals to C++ skipping only those that use the Java Swing class. I must run towards my goal of becoming a game developer in the near future.

Oh, haha. Forget about the previous account girls. I am over with them. Right now.. I think it’s better for me to focus on what I need to do than wasting my time feeling infatuated. So I wonder when will my sweetheart appear? O Sweetheart, where art thou?

I am so tired. I did not have any proper sleep since like three days ago and I really hate last minute work. First of all it was my bad for procrastinating and being too confident that I can finish it up all within a day. I underestimated the assignment completely. It wasn’t hard compared to programming but it was a lot more hectic than programming. You don’t need to crack your brain for the logic but you need to strain your fingers and eyes to type out every single page of your site!

That is crazy enough and I thank God that my site didn’t have many pages, unlike one of my coursemate who had 103 pages all together. I wanted to implement numerous of advance functions but than due to my procrastination and underestimation of the HTML work involved, I failed to do so. It was such a waste. Although the design is quite good yet it lacked substance and thank God my lecturer didn’t notice my loopholes.. Heh.

I must really say it was a great endeavor in completing my this assignment.. But I must say God’s Grace is amazing because I know HIS Hands are upon me and my assignment this time. It was really an experience. I never had my assignment not completed a day before deadline. This time round I went beyond a day. Deadline was at 2pm and at 2.06pm I was still trying to embed the flash controls into my site. Although I didn’t like really get very high marks, I must thank God that at least I still scored an A for it.

But I hate the way they evaluated my work. First of all, as the name of the subject implies, AACS1194 Web Page Design, I truly believe that the evaluation should be done from a design perspective and not technicality. The part that comprise the highest marks is the functionality section which ironically to me is not functionality at all but rather, it is the elements used. My mark was severely deducted because I didn’t include any video, sound, frameset, and list elements in my assignment. This is ridiculous, okay I admit that having videos is quite relevant but, my priority is to make the website more user-friendly and less eye sore, not a HTML rojak. So I don’t really agree with how they gave the marks.

Next Monday I would be having my statistics paper and I am still quite unsure with combination and permutation. I wish to do well this time and as I have learned over and over again from my mistake of taking things lightly and procrastinating, this time I am not going to waste time but this few days I will put my best effort in studying this subject. At least a 4.0 for this semester is a must.

I could remember vaguely how it was, three years ago when I first stepped into Dominic Villa for my second youth camp ( YF Camp 2006 ). Back then I was pretty naive and presumptuous. Actually that place mean quite a lot to me. It was where hearts are healed, Christ is revealed and altars are built.

The first time going there, during the altar call I cried out to the LORD that I will serve HIM all the days of my life. I will be rooted in Faith City Church and serve HIM always there. About a year later I left Faith City Church and joined City Harvest Church before finally returning to Faith City Church again one year ago. The YF Camp 2006’s theme song, You’ll be lifted up is still clear within my mind. Once in a while the song plays over and over again in my head.

My second visit there came a few months later and this time was my School’s CF camp instead. I think it was pretty a bad attempt to shove 120 people into the villa. The dorms could not accommodate that huge amount of campers so in the end the private rooms were used and I took the prayer room. That camp wasn’t that meaningful but somehow part of its messages spoke into me.

Fast forwarding ahead a few months later is my third visit there. This time was my third YF camp ( YF Camp 2007 ). As for this camp, it was pretty meaningful but sadly I left the camp still with my heart hardened. I remembered clearly at that time I was struggling badly with the resentment and bitterness that are in my heart. God convicted me and spoke to me through various sources include my Caregroup leader, Alex Choo. It was pretty bad at that time, I was struggling through, toiling through. Alex prayer for me during one of the altar calls really lifted my soul up and suddenly I decided to soften my heart but somehow I don’t know why I became hardened again.

A month later I officially left Faith City Church to join City Harvest Church only to come back to Faith City three months later when God fully convicted me. My fourth visit came about last year December when I went there for my fourth Youth Camp ( YF Camp 2008 ). This camp was awesome.

Needless to say, the altar calls were meaningful. During one of the altar calls, I was touched by God and I tear, really tear and cried. It was awesome, conviction from God. It is sometimes really sad how much I missed the point and missed God. He is so Awesome and there is none like HIM.

My fifth visit there was just a few days ago. I went there for my College’s CF planning camp. Honestly speaking, it was pretty bad. Meetings were sluggish, committees weren’t cooperative. Probably it is because we are all new. Seriously I didn’t want to be part of the committee but because God convicted me so I must be in the committee.

I want to reach out to my brethrens in my college. I want to see them repenting and turning to God. I want to see their barren lives turning into fruitful lives, impacting people wherever they are. I also want to see my life becoming more and more fruitful everyday. I really want to see hearts are healed, Christ is revealed and altars are built.

Honestly speaking I wasn’t anticipating for this 5 weeks break. I don’t know why but I hate the idea of being away from KL for 5 weeks. I hate Chinese New Year too besides the food and red packets. I don’t know why I hate Chinese New Year, probably it’s because of the annoying carols or the loneliness of the street when everyone are back to their hometowns.

Oh my gosh, I am really dreading.. How am I suppose to spend my 5 weeks of break here? Don’t ask me why but I just don’t like going back to hometown.. I don’t know anyone here, I am like so disconnected.. But the environment here actually not that bad.. I need more friends here.. I really don’t know how to spend 5 weeks of my time here with my family..

Looking at the bleak future and probable associated problems, I hate it but seriously it just proves one point and that is, every moment, regardless of good or bad times, I need the Grace of God and His Strength more than anything else. This is a Serious Note.

I am not preaching but it is true that HIS Word IS the TRUTH. Regardless of what the world throws at me, HIS WORD never fades nor fails. HIS Word will Stand and Last. This is the Truth. Last year, I went through it by HIS Grace and HIS Strength. This year can be the same, the following year the same, the following following year the same till eternity the same. Every year becoming stronger and knowing HIM deeper and more intimate than ever.

Oh God, I need You more than anyone and anything else O God… Come to my rescue, forever. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I guess I want to spend my 5 weeks break at least learning up Object-Oriented Programming both in C++ and Java, Data Structure and Algorithm for C++ and Calculus. But the top priority is still spending time with my family…

When things messed up, I wished I didn’t make that stupid decision. But the matter of fact is that I made it anyway. I made it, and yes repeatedly I would say I made it again, I made that foolish decision.

I thank God that next semester would be Semester 3. Yeah Thank God. The future isn’t that bleak, things didn’t work out the way I wanted because God has His reasons for it. It doesn’t matter. What’s more important is I understand that He is the Sovereign God Whom wishes well to all who trust in Him and love Him.

That’s all I need and for now let me just relax, chill out and take things easy. When faced, just act as though nothing happened. That’s all. Nothing so serious about it. Semester break would means spending time with family, building my relationship with God greater and studying my Calculus and Programming. Yeah that’s all..

I pray that I would enjoy my holiday here and prepare to face a new set of challenges when Semester 3 starts.

It has been long gone since the last I blogged or rather journal. I don’t blog, I journal. There is a significant difference between the both. Anyway, life again has been very busy. For the past like two weeks I have been very busy with my Programming Assignment, partly because I am doing alone although I have a partner. Not that he doesn’t do his work, just that I am particular with a perfect assignment.

I wanted to implement a full-console based GUI and I did manage to implement it by the Grace of God of course. The GUI is not perfect, in the midst of implementing it, I was super stressed out. Partly because I thought at least the system would be bugless but I was proven wrong when the input system failed.  Period.

It has been a long day for me today.. Semester 2 is going to end soon and I have many catching up(s) for my studies especially calculus, principles of information system and accounts. Well it’s time for study marathon and everything just repeats itself again..

No holidays for me..

Oh coming up, I am going to post a sample source code for the AACS1804 Programming Concepts & Design Assignment 2. I believe people should know what it means to write a structured program. I might also consider uploading my own sweat-blood assignment 2 source code as well. Core-ljx library is buggy,  I am going to rewrite it from scratch after my finals. This time I am going to come up with the conceptual designs first before dirtying my hands with the coding.

Good day to all students from School of Arts and Science, our results are officially coming out tomorrow, yes tomorrow. One more day to d-day and that’s it.. Whether I am passing my accounts or not.. I heard from my Accounts lecturer that only 75% from my course passed their Accounts and so what about the other 25% which make up about 10 students from my course..

So I am really curious and nervous about this, am I part of the 10 or the 28? I pray and hope that I will be part of the 28, yes Lord, Amen.

So I assume that the results won’t be out until at least 11.30AM tomorrow like the co-curriculum registration thing the other day. Oh, besides USA, I am having a personal financial crisis too, this month itself, no it is not even a month yet, within the period of two weeks since I’m back from hometown, I have spent more than 1000 bucks. Absolutely crazy because I don’t have a girlfriend so it is quite impossible for me to spend that much.

It is absolutely crazy.. Money has been flowing out from my savings like FLOOD! I promise you that this is a sign of I don’t know what you call it but I can project what I would be in the future if I don’t get this thing out of me as soon as possible. This is seriously serious! This was what my father had and this was the reason why he went down. I can’t repeat his mistake in my life and I definitely don’t want to be like him.

It is not about how much I have but it is more of how I manage my funds! Seriously, this is crazy, craziest stunt I ever performed, 1000+ within the timeframe of two weeks. Craziness! So to say, I am broke now. Yeah really, I need to revert back to my good old days of oat only diet besides it is good for health.

Apart from all those, I think the most important of it all is this,

I really need God more than ever before because He is all I ever Have and all I ever need. He is my all in all. I am only really and truly complete in Jesus Christ. He is my Source and Reason for everything. I need You Jesus more than anything and anyone else. I truly need You God, You are my all in all. God I need You and I really need You and I really want You. Thank You Jesus. Amen.

One discovery I made this week, Accounts Girl I is taken.