- a a r o n l j x -

I have made it. For the whole month of May 2009, I didn’t post anything at all.. Actually I have written many posts to post but I left them as drafts because I am too lazy to complete them. Perhaps tomorrow I will complete them and post them as May posts. So well some updates, I moved to my new place last week. Honestly I am quite a sentimental guy so it’s quite hard for me to adapt to the new environment.. I miss my old shabby room. This new room that I am staying is like an oven in the morning. The sun ray shines directly into my room burning my ass while I am still well asleep. I guess this is the best natural alarm.

Well seriously year two is pretty tough. I am struggling with ADIS, Database and Network Fundamentals. Not that I am mean but really, the Network Fundamentals lecturer sucks. She’s not charismatic enough. She needs more practice. When she lectures, she doesn’t interact with the crowd, that is as though she’s speaking to herself. The worst part is the lecture hall that we’re using for this course is super hot because of the broken down air-cond since eons of semesters ago. Why can’t they just get the air-cond done?? It won’t cost much. End of ranting.

Time really flies! I can’t believe that I am already in year two. Things went so fast for me that suddenly I felt year one has just evaporated away. This really proves that I am a sentimental guy. It’s not that I am living in the past but heck so many things happened in year 1 that shaped my life. I couldn’t believe I changed so much over the one year and I did many things too. But there is still one thing that really bothers me and that is I can’t really relate well to my friends and coursemates. I don’t know why but maybe it’s because of language problem. I don’t know. I just can’t really talk to them. I felt as though we are from different worlds. Sometimes I am really envious of some people who really made good peers during their college years but it is not so for me. Oh well.

Oh yeah I survived the second CPR but really it was really a nightmare to be stuck in meetings for so many hours. I absolutely hate it. Somehow I feel that God is using this CF to shape and mould me for something. Each time when I feel like giving up, I really have to re-think, if I can’t even serve in CF, don’t expect myself to serve in the ministry in the near future. I know myself too well that most of the time when I look at the mirror, I see an ass. I can be really so mean and selfish most of the time. I really feel that God is enlarging my capacity and really breaking my hardened heart but I really don’t know how to make my heart willing before God.. I always resisted with full force making me so cold and hardening my heart.

God I need You and Your Grace and Your Strength like never before O God. God I am stuck and I am lost. God I don’t know what I should do and I really need Your guidance and help. Thank You Lord. In Jesus Christ’s Name I pray, Amen.

On the lighter note, Java is much more easier than C++ but at times the syntax could be troublesome. While it is fun to code with Java, I still like C++ more than any other languages because of it’s power and speed. Since I can code with C++, I am thinking of porting my Java practicals to C++ skipping only those that use the Java Swing class. I must run towards my goal of becoming a game developer in the near future.

Oh, haha. Forget about the previous account girls. I am over with them. Right now.. I think it’s better for me to focus on what I need to do than wasting my time feeling infatuated. So I wonder when will my sweetheart appear? O Sweetheart, where art thou?

Yeah, I am deleting Rise of Nation for good this time. I’m turning my back against this game and I’ll not play it anymore. I am serious. But probably I’ll still play it once in a while because I still haven’t beat Danny. Until I beat him, I’ll not be satisfied. Yeah I am quite a sore loser. I can’t lose gracefully.

This game has been quite tearing my life apart, most importantly, everyday I waste a lot of time playing this game and wasting my semester break away which I vowed not to waste this time round. The last semester break was really a waste. I wasted 5 weeks by doing nothing meaningful than just watching TV dramas over and over again.

This time round I am really determined to make good use of my semester break. There are plenty of things I wanted to do but didn’t have the time and this is the best time for me to them such as visiting my grandma, catching up my sleep, visiting Seafield CF,  completing FFIX, studying Calculus and Programming etc.

So many things to do in list and I am not sure whether I can accomplish every single task listed on my list.. I am not a robot nor a bionic man. But my priority is to further improve myself in my studies. I don’t want to stay complacent. Most people say that I am good but when I really ask myself, I don’t think I am anywhere near good. I am still very far behind. I seriously want to be the best and also to produce the best results.

The thing about studying is not about just garnering good grades. I want to go further than that. The greatest satisfaction and accomplishment come when I master the subject I am studying. I fully understand it and the theory/concept behind it becomes part of me and I can freely apply it to solve a problem or produce/create something new. That is the truth about studying. The main purpose of studying. The final product is to create, to produce and to improve.

I am so tired. I did not have any proper sleep since like three days ago and I really hate last minute work. First of all it was my bad for procrastinating and being too confident that I can finish it up all within a day. I underestimated the assignment completely. It wasn’t hard compared to programming but it was a lot more hectic than programming. You don’t need to crack your brain for the logic but you need to strain your fingers and eyes to type out every single page of your site!

That is crazy enough and I thank God that my site didn’t have many pages, unlike one of my coursemate who had 103 pages all together. I wanted to implement numerous of advance functions but than due to my procrastination and underestimation of the HTML work involved, I failed to do so. It was such a waste. Although the design is quite good yet it lacked substance and thank God my lecturer didn’t notice my loopholes.. Heh.

I must really say it was a great endeavor in completing my this assignment.. But I must say God’s Grace is amazing because I know HIS Hands are upon me and my assignment this time. It was really an experience. I never had my assignment not completed a day before deadline. This time round I went beyond a day. Deadline was at 2pm and at 2.06pm I was still trying to embed the flash controls into my site. Although I didn’t like really get very high marks, I must thank God that at least I still scored an A for it.

But I hate the way they evaluated my work. First of all, as the name of the subject implies, AACS1194 Web Page Design, I truly believe that the evaluation should be done from a design perspective and not technicality. The part that comprise the highest marks is the functionality section which ironically to me is not functionality at all but rather, it is the elements used. My mark was severely deducted because I didn’t include any video, sound, frameset, and list elements in my assignment. This is ridiculous, okay I admit that having videos is quite relevant but, my priority is to make the website more user-friendly and less eye sore, not a HTML rojak. So I don’t really agree with how they gave the marks.

Next Monday I would be having my statistics paper and I am still quite unsure with combination and permutation. I wish to do well this time and as I have learned over and over again from my mistake of taking things lightly and procrastinating, this time I am not going to waste time but this few days I will put my best effort in studying this subject. At least a 4.0 for this semester is a must.

Just came back from CF not long ago and it was my first time today leading the ice-breaker. I hate it, I hate to stand on the stage and have every eyes staring blankly on me. I sort of embarrassed myself today by leading a lame game called Around The World. Actually the game is pretty simple but I don’t know why I led it so badly and I know it is humiliating but who cares.

Last Friday was result day, I was unconsciously anxious. Really, I didn’t know that I was so anxious about the results until I started noticing weird side effects around my body. Amazing. Anyway I don’t know whether I did greatly or just not bad. Seriously I don’t know. My expectation was full A’s but ultimately I should Thank God and Praise Him even though it wasn’t what I expected but still it is HIS blessings and by HIS Grace. But seriously I can’t Thank God enough even though I didn’t get full A’s, I still got 4A’s and 1B+ and that is enough to sum up a GPA of 3.9. What can I ask some more?

Sometimes I can really be ungrateful and I really want to pray against this in my life so that the Holy Spirit can change me so that I will always be grateful of whatever God has given me. I know I am guilty of this, that is I didn’t really thank God in my heart for all that He has given me,

Father God please forgive me for my ungratefulness, it is really merciful of You to bless me so greatly Father God, God I really pray that Father God please change me, change my heart, change the real me that God I will always be grateful of You and rely solely on Your Grace, Your Mercy and Your Strength alone, to give You all the Glory and Praise always and forever. In Jesus Christ’s Name I pray, Amen.

Also I have been struggling really greatly in my relationship with God. I really don’t know but last Friday it was a total blow to me. Oh no, it is not because of the results, it has got to do with my struggle with one of the sin problem that I have been struggling since I received Jesus Christ into my life. The struggle I went through really prove what my relationship with God is, whether I have really known Jesus Christ. I really need to get this into my mind and heart that it is not about feelings, achievements and experiences but it is solely about faith in God’s Word and Who He Is. That is all and really all my righteous deeds are like filthy rags before God and I really am wicked sinner in dire need of God’s Grace and Mercy. I am totally awe-stricken and I have nothing to say but it is very true in Ephesians 2:8Ephesians 2:8
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:  

that we are saved solely by the Grace of God through Faith in Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God.

It is like when you have been through a loss only you know how important is that thing to you. I really want to say, in a totally emotionally-filled expression that Jesus Christ Himself is the most important of all. Nothing is greater and more important than Him. Really, there is none that compares to HIM. You can have all the wealth but without HIM in it, you are still nothing, empty and void. Totally meaningless. But you can lose everything and still be happy and complete because you have HIM because the truth is Jesus Christ is all we need, He is the Source of all and also the Reason of all. That is why the Bible in Colossians says that we are complete in Christ Jesus.

God I need You O God.. Lord Jesus Christ, I need You O God. Son of the Living God, Mighty Savior, I need You in my life forevermore O God. You know my struggles with my sin, You know my insincerity and You know all my sins O God, please Father God forgive me for all that I have done against You O God and please Father God renew me O God and draw me and bring me to Yourself forevermore and make me truly Yours forevermore O God. In Jesus Christ’s Name I pray, Amen.

It seems hard for me to get moving again after a long break. Everything seems rusty in me to start. I really need to get moving. Start studying like never before and garner as much knowledge as possible. It is always my desire to master Programming, Software Development, Data Structure and Algorithm, Mathematics and English. I need to work harder like never before. I am not that smart but whatever God has put in me, I work on it believing like the parables of talents, the one with 2 talents gains another 2 talents and it goes on iteratively. But I know it is not my type to sit down for decades researching on something. I like developing and creating. I just like to make something new out of nothing.

To end this, I need God’s Grace, God’s Mercy, God’s Unfailing Love, God’s Strength and God’s Blessings like never before.

I could remember vaguely how it was, three years ago when I first stepped into Dominic Villa for my second youth camp ( YF Camp 2006 ). Back then I was pretty naive and presumptuous. Actually that place mean quite a lot to me. It was where hearts are healed, Christ is revealed and altars are built.

The first time going there, during the altar call I cried out to the LORD that I will serve HIM all the days of my life. I will be rooted in Faith City Church and serve HIM always there. About a year later I left Faith City Church and joined City Harvest Church before finally returning to Faith City Church again one year ago. The YF Camp 2006’s theme song, You’ll be lifted up is still clear within my mind. Once in a while the song plays over and over again in my head.

My second visit there came a few months later and this time was my School’s CF camp instead. I think it was pretty a bad attempt to shove 120 people into the villa. The dorms could not accommodate that huge amount of campers so in the end the private rooms were used and I took the prayer room. That camp wasn’t that meaningful but somehow part of its messages spoke into me.

Fast forwarding ahead a few months later is my third visit there. This time was my third YF camp ( YF Camp 2007 ). As for this camp, it was pretty meaningful but sadly I left the camp still with my heart hardened. I remembered clearly at that time I was struggling badly with the resentment and bitterness that are in my heart. God convicted me and spoke to me through various sources include my Caregroup leader, Alex Choo. It was pretty bad at that time, I was struggling through, toiling through. Alex prayer for me during one of the altar calls really lifted my soul up and suddenly I decided to soften my heart but somehow I don’t know why I became hardened again.

A month later I officially left Faith City Church to join City Harvest Church only to come back to Faith City three months later when God fully convicted me. My fourth visit came about last year December when I went there for my fourth Youth Camp ( YF Camp 2008 ). This camp was awesome.

Needless to say, the altar calls were meaningful. During one of the altar calls, I was touched by God and I tear, really tear and cried. It was awesome, conviction from God. It is sometimes really sad how much I missed the point and missed God. He is so Awesome and there is none like HIM.

My fifth visit there was just a few days ago. I went there for my College’s CF planning camp. Honestly speaking, it was pretty bad. Meetings were sluggish, committees weren’t cooperative. Probably it is because we are all new. Seriously I didn’t want to be part of the committee but because God convicted me so I must be in the committee.

I want to reach out to my brethrens in my college. I want to see them repenting and turning to God. I want to see their barren lives turning into fruitful lives, impacting people wherever they are. I also want to see my life becoming more and more fruitful everyday. I really want to see hearts are healed, Christ is revealed and altars are built.

Over and over again, this truth never leaves me, time flies. It is weird for me, sometimes I am aware of this truth and sometimes I am so oblivious of it that I think time really crawls and I will stay as I am forever. How naive can I be!

Most of us hate it but this is the truth, every second the clock is ticking and the earth advances in its orbit. We can’t stop the time from moving. That is why the only thing that is constant or doesn’t change or advance in this world is change itself. It is the only constant in this world, obviously God is constant too and He is eternal. Amen.

So I really need to prepare and equip myself to face this ever changing world. Self-improvement shall never ever leave my lips. I can’t stay as I am forever. I can’t be the same today as yesterday. Today is today and yesterday is yesterday. There ought to be improvements over me, a wholesome one, not biased in any sense. Basically it means that the improvement should cover three aspects: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical.

Spiritual in its essence is the most important of all compared to emotional and physical improvement. My Spiritual Life speaks of my relationship with God which is the trunk of my life. Without this everything else fails. So my Spiritual Growth stands as the most important one and deserves the top priority. My relationship with God everyday ought to, really ought to be closer and closer, nearer and nearer to God than yesterday and ever before.

After that ought to be my emotional growth. I can’t be the emotionally weak because when a person is emotionally weak, he will fail to improve physically. This is true. If you can’t manage your emotions properly, it is very hard for you to concentrate on something or to accomplish something. Sorrows, grieves, guilt, disappointment and etc. are something that everyone need to face. We can’t escape from it. So today we need to learn how to control and put our emotions in its right place. Emotions can be a powerful driving force yet it can also be a weapon of mass destruction to our very own soul.

Physical improvement is not necessary limited to just our physical body, it covers a lot of aspects. This includes our career, education and our influence. Some may not agree with me but I think in order to be a light of a CITY, we can’t be the ones who live at edge of the city, striving daily to survive and not making any contribution to the development/growth of the city. As a Christian who shines Christ Jesus’ Light, regardless of whether we’re full time or part time ministers, we still have a full-time job from God and that is to shine wherever we are assigned to.

This basically means we need to excel in our own field and develop our talents. Sometimes God has His Own Ways of dealing things, we need to learn to let go and trust Him for everything but that doesn’t mean we can be complacent and be a low-achiever. We are always to aim high, work our very best for the best but yet trusting God and let His Will be done. I understand that sometime we may have worked so hard for something but in the end things didn’t turn out to be what we wanted. But (with tears in my eyes) do not every be discouraged if such things ever happen because if you continue in your faith towards God, press on towards Him, He will show You why and the Holy Spirit will make you understand and in the end you will just turn back and say, Blessed be the LORD my God.

For me, it is still a long way more to go. I have many things yet to learn and I still have many sins in my life that need to be dealt with. I hate my carnal nature nevertheless but when I sin, the hatred is gone and guilt will hunt me. I really hate my carnal nature and really pray that God would remove it from me forevermore but life is a learning process and making decision. I really pray and thank God for His Word and His Holy Spirit who will guide me so that is why never blaspheme and grieve the Holy Spirit. He is the One who will bring us to Jesus Christ and in turn Jesus Christ brings us to the Father.

I really pray and hope that my semester 2 results would be good. I would really appreciate if anyone would really care to pray for me. But most importantly of all is not the grades neither whether I have mastered those subjects but God’s will be done. This is the hardest part of the finals but I need His Grace in every situation, whether good or bad, I still need His Grace at all times. It is the Grace of God from the start till the very end. His Mercy and His Grace.

Father God please truly help me and most importantly of all O God, be with me forevermore and do not ever leave me nor forsake me O God. Be with me forevermore and grant me Your Grace and Your Strength every moment of my life to face all situations and circumstances. To overcome all of them and find Your Presence in it and to give You the Praise and Glory forevermore. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Anyway it is quite disappointing that I would not see her as often because we don’t have any common subjects next semester.. Ahh disappointing. Forget it.

Time flies, really. It is already the third week of boring semester break. Boring because I am back with my family, far far away from my friends but it is okay, seriously. Family is more important. I hardly come back and when college starts, I’ll be busy with assignments and all.

Honestly I am feeling guilty. Although I am already here for three weeks yet I have not spent adequate time with my family. I really got no idea why.. Probably it is because I have been living by myself for more than 2 years and a sudden blockade to my freedom causes me to backfire. Probably, yeah probably.

Anyway I just completed a Hong Kong drama series, The Drive of Life and honestly I am touched by the moral messages in the series and also some of the romantic scenes of the lead actor and the lead actress.. I can’t believe that I could just sit there and watch episode after episode for 6 hours without stopping.

It was quite a nightmare each time after watching 10 episodes in a streak. Scenes of the series would just flash around my mind and I would be insomniac for 40 minutes to 1 hour. No matter what I do, the voices of the actors and actress flashes around my mind and suddenly I find myself trapped within the imaginary world of series. It sucks. Next time take it easy and have continual breaks after each episode if you are on a drama marathon.

Something really meaningful that I absorbed from this drama series is how the big boss forgave his son-in-law who betrayed him and even though betrayed, all that he asked for was him to repent. This is what the bible has been teaching all the while. Not wishing death to your enemy but to love him and bless him, hoping that he will repent and turn to God.

Now it’s time for calculus and programming.

God help me please, I need life. Your Life O God because You are the True Life Giver and Only You can give me an abundant and everlasting and eternal life. Thank You Jesus Christ. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Honestly speaking I wasn’t anticipating for this 5 weeks break. I don’t know why but I hate the idea of being away from KL for 5 weeks. I hate Chinese New Year too besides the food and red packets. I don’t know why I hate Chinese New Year, probably it’s because of the annoying carols or the loneliness of the street when everyone are back to their hometowns.

Oh my gosh, I am really dreading.. How am I suppose to spend my 5 weeks of break here? Don’t ask me why but I just don’t like going back to hometown.. I don’t know anyone here, I am like so disconnected.. But the environment here actually not that bad.. I need more friends here.. I really don’t know how to spend 5 weeks of my time here with my family..

Looking at the bleak future and probable associated problems, I hate it but seriously it just proves one point and that is, every moment, regardless of good or bad times, I need the Grace of God and His Strength more than anything else. This is a Serious Note.

I am not preaching but it is true that HIS Word IS the TRUTH. Regardless of what the world throws at me, HIS WORD never fades nor fails. HIS Word will Stand and Last. This is the Truth. Last year, I went through it by HIS Grace and HIS Strength. This year can be the same, the following year the same, the following following year the same till eternity the same. Every year becoming stronger and knowing HIM deeper and more intimate than ever.

Oh God, I need You more than anyone and anything else O God… Come to my rescue, forever. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I guess I want to spend my 5 weeks break at least learning up Object-Oriented Programming both in C++ and Java, Data Structure and Algorithm for C++ and Calculus. But the top priority is still spending time with my family but thinking about going with my father frustrates me.. I don’t know why but I just don’t really like hanging out with him. Unforgiveness? Probably..

When things messed up, I wished I didn’t make that stupid decision. But the matter of fact is that I made it anyway. I made it, and yes repeatedly I would say I made it again, I made that foolish decision.

I thank God that next semester would be Semester 3. Yeah Thank God. The future isn’t that bleak, things didn’t work out the way I wanted because God has His reasons for it. It doesn’t matter. What’s more important is I understand that He is the Sovereign God Whom wishes well to all who trust in Him and love Him.

That’s all I need and for now let me just relax, chill out and take things easy. When faced, just act as though nothing happened. That’s all. Nothing so serious about it. Semester break would means spending time with family, building my relationship with God greater and studying my Calculus and Programming. Yeah that’s all..

I pray that I would enjoy my holiday here and prepare to face a new set of challenges when Semester 3 starts.